INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
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How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Me driving through Toronto
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
it’s so over update: accidentally pushed the button that set my desk into standing mode but couldn’t be bothered to get up so spent 10 mins like this until someone walked past and shamed me into resolution
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.