Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother

disney: sounds great, let’s add murder

My husband made me mad so I sent him to a store that closed a year ago to buy something they stopped making two years ago

My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.

Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight

If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.

GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT

A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”

They should have a section on the wing of the plane where people can go out for a cigarette

ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*

If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach

My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”

Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away

66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”

I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.

I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”

Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.

Sachets away.

[stranded on a desert island]

*finds a message in a bottle*

hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?

Agent: I have a script for you.

Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?

Agent: Yes.

Radcliffe: I’ll do it.

ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert

HER: nice i love coldplay

ME: ok we have two problems

Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:

Bruce Killis

ㅤ

*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs

Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.

Stools: OK!

Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?

Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..

My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.

Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down

Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”

She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???

I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.