Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?

Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.

i love muttering “none of my business” as i delete an email that is definitely my business

A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.

“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”

Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.

My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.

ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow

If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…

I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.

me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach

wife: we have never discuss-

me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back

After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.

Rudolph with your nose so bright/help me find my phone tonight

I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.

A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.

Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?

{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}

CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi

Friend: I’m getting married

Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?

During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.

It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!

Me: who ate all the cookies!?

Toddler: it was the ninja

Me: did you see the ninja?

6yo: well no it’s a ninja

When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.

In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.

handing out tuna steaks for trick or treat

JK it’s spam

Her: I hate organized religion

Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too

Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.

[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.

My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.

Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.

Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.

Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.