Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.

We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.

I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.

Me: A storm is coming

My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?

*hurls Scrabble board at you*

[uses your words against you]

Squirrels: 1,538

My dogs: -17

gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”

After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever

~Women

Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.

“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.

Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…

WebMd: You’re gonna die.

Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?

How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope

People who think it’s okay to drop by,

It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.

Start of the article: but what if only three people read it

End of the article: at least only three people will read it

i tried to clean up my chrome tabs but it turns out all 200 of them contain information that is vital for my survival

Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.

I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.

Sorry I was late for our date. The wheels in my heelies got stuck in a storm grate again.

Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.

Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!

You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…

ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was

Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-

ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be

me: cheeseburgers are better than sex

her: maybe you’re doing it wrong

me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon

her: I meant sex

me: me too

ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight

PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*

A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend

I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.

Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?

I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.

Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?

Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.

🥴😂