Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: what makes you angry

pirate: when someone steals my p

So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.

person: calm down

me: *calm immediately goes up*

[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]

Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that

I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.

One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!

Man: dog is my best friend

Dog: man is aight I guess

Not today.. 😂

There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.

Wife: Where are you going?

Me: You can find me in da club shawty

Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?

Me: Yes

Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.

Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”

Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”

Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.

Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.

I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.

In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.

very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.

If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.

advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”

Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.

Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?

Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.

[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]

Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.

Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?

You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.

me: *responds maybe to a fb event*

wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY

I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf

Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She’s two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What’s her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name’s Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.