Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
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I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
Become ungovernable.
This is a genius move
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
I’m not enjoying this slow burn apocalypse… I need it over and done like a popular Netflix show
Flex on your dentist by asking if they’re free on a random Tuesday 6 months from now
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Normalize responding to work emails with:
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
There’s a scientist with the same name as me, so whenever I Google myself, the results are like:
“Our Top Ten Dad Jokes!”
“Neat Sci-Fi Story!”
“High CO2 and the geochemistry of the coralline algae Lithothamnion glaciale”
“Fire Dept Saves Man With Head Stuck In Chicken Bucket”
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies