Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*learns about complementary colors*

in my head:

red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys

Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101

They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-

I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent

why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward

[Plays air guitar]

[Dodges air panties]

[reptile house]

Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?

Wife: Sure!

Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?

“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”

“Brochure”

Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.

There’s a serious limit in how much one can take

Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot

Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here

I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.

How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?

Strive for greatness. Do 15 pushups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Burn your ex’s house down. Eat the whole cake instead of a slice. I believe in you.

JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶

ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??

JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶

ME: Ah. Carry on.

Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.

The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.

When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.

Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve

I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.

[explaining fingernails to an alien]

ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.

ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.

Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!

Cobra: the what

[bakery]

me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday

clerk: ok what about this one

me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?

[first day as a cashier]

customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper

me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying

Me: I got a job interview next week.

Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.

Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.

Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski

I’m bout to start telling people “land your plane” when they’re talking in circles..

[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”

Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.

Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?

Professor: I meant science questions

Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?