Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
You Might Also Like
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Dental Hygenist: can I ask a question?
Me: You’ve had your fingers in my mouth for 15 minutes, ask whatever you want
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.