Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
It’s completely absurd that Silicon Valley is pushing AI on us before they figured out how to keep fries fresh during takeout and delivery.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Me: I wonder why my lower back hurts
My period: yeah what a mystery
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
