Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee

#DidYouKnow?

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣

This is funnier than it should be. 😂

All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.

Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.

FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.

I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like

I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.

Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.

Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.

Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming

People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.

[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens

Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!

{Pixar Meet & Greet}

Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish

Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.

mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul

wife: oh my god she’s possessed

me: you sure? I mean you know her better but

I built a tricycle pram tonight

*adds bike mechanic to the resume*

Fog is like lingerie for the sky.

A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)

It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.

There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.

I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.

Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?

6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God

Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??

wife: how did the poetry slam go?

me: *taping my glasses back together * better

no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside

me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the run

Me on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments

i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.

Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.

WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies