Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only reason I insist on returning to the office is because my cat needs a break from me staring at him all day.

The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter

Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.

And I’ve said too much.

Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!

Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.

Mine:

“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”

Oddly specific.

Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah

A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.

these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]

Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb

“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”

~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp

of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten

You: Would you like a keto burger?

My Anaconda: No.

*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*

So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car

Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.

Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.

If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.

[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-

Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!

Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*

Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!

#NoRestForTheWicked

Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.

[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis

[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”

Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.

My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing

I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.

Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school

You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.

If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it

Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!

I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.