Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?

Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed

DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?

Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.

Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”

Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.

me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.

Happy #NationalCrocDay to all the lovers and haters.

My real name is maybe one of the top 5 whitest names ever invented and I just picked up my online order at a KFC that is deep in the hood where I’m maybe the only white guy within a mile and as soon as I went in they said “Here he is. Thats (my name)” and I lol’d.

I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.

can’t talk my ride’s here

I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.

I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.

5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.

Now they are tenants together.

Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful

*goes to bathroom

*takes out phone

*opens Twitter

*finishes

*pulls pants up

*flushes

*forgets to poop

Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.

If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.

Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.

Him: It’s going to be in the mid-70’s tomorrow. What should I wear?
Me: I don’t know…bell bottoms?

Fun Things

I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.

*checks my phone to see what time it is*

[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*

[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*

What the hell did you order?

– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving

My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.

they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup

If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.

FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??

FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?

FamousJerk: H lp m l n!

The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving

Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice

Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹

Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.