Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”

*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*

“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand

They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years

date: I like guys who are not afraid to show their artistic side

me: [to waiter] can I get a crayon and kid’s menu

I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.

Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that

For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.

I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.

For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.

I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.

“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.

I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.

It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,

Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.

[Headless Horseman birthday party]

HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.

Thursday Thought.

“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”

Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)

I’m saving myself for marriage.

Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.

imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.

(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.

Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?

I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back

you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly

I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.

The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.

Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.

my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.

In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.

“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*

If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?

Asking for a friend.