Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.

work smarter, not harder

I have a video appointment with my doctor.

I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.

me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t

I’m at the airport and apparently, someone has designed and built a plane that’s invisible.. .

Well… I can’t see that taking off…

So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .

Guess who got his yard cut?

When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines

Delicious sardines

[blind date]

JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers

HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet

JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers

cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food

lol

jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale

Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?

Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.

I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.

It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.

fellas is it cheating to call people by their names

“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings

I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”

I like to take long walks away from stupid people.

Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.

My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”

him, on one knee: will you marry me

her: OMG

onlookers: say yes! say yes!!

me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far

All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.

I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.

Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.

Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?

Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.

I did not eat the cake…

Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes

Wife: What about me and the kids?

Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT

Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time

Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges

Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*

The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.

One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it