Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
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i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
*bites zombie*
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Proctology is located in A55
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
the wife told me that we’re invited to a country themed party so I’m wearing this
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.