Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
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Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Rather alarming headline…
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
ready to be harvested
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Optional boss fight.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.