Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.

14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?

Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?

14:

Me:

14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.

Me: I have a headache.

WebMD: and it will be your last.

[texting]

Him: What’re you doing

Me: Watching a chicken strip

H: Why don’t you just eat it

M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD

[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work

Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch

My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before

I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.

Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.

PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?

[at a party]

*taps wife’s shoulder*

I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?

(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)

“What?”

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.

Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂

<first date>

Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*

Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*

why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead

People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…

Was it jail? I bet it was jail.

I’m more of a homeless romantic.

my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt

Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?

As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.

love pickles so much i put myself in one

Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”

Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.

I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong

what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?

thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.

me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?

girlfriend: I think I need a break

me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today

This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.

The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.

Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral

“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.

Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.

E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.