Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
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[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
My fiance booked a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon on Friday the 13th because he has apparently never seen final destination
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Waiting for the Charmin
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
One could argue in court that “i’m coming for you” has at least two different possible meanings
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; you either have a naked window neighbor or you are the naked window neighbor
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
As a proud husband and father in my 40s, my New Year’s resolution is to sneeze even louder this year.