Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.

I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’

*horror movie

“The calls are coming from inside the house!”

“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”

My kid said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.

I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.

16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.

26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.

36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.

Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.

Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.

Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*

Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*

Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.

A welcome mat is a gateway rug.

How do you end an argument with a woman?

Tell her to calm down.

You’re dead now but the argument is over.

I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.

*trips over globe and breaks both legs*

The way that we’re constantly told not to eat silica gel makes me suspect that it contains all the world’s forbidden knowledge.

My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.

So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.

Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.

My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.

WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.

ME: Ugh fine.

[later]

WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?

ME: His name is torch now.

[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”

I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻‍♂️

Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.

I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about

My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.

How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)

A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.

people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying

Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way

I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit

BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.

Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”

Me: *fires him for harassment*

I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.