Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*getting kicked out of bookclub*

me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are

“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.

Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.

Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL

I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.

ChatGPT cannot be stopped.

(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)

The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.

My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.

I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.

Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.

my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.

If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.

I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.

*after sex*

Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”

[Shopping for Deodorant]

I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.

THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD

Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.

God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami

Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami

God: *loves boats* No

Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.

There are plenty of fish in the sea.

There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.

Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.

I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:

Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?

Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.

[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?

Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…

If someone is whistling they:

1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone

the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle

Are these fish:

A. A different species

B. The same species

C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related

Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.