Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:

“How I Met Your Mothra”

Note from 5yo:

“I need help with my meth.”

I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.

Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.

To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.

If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.

Me: I’m not paranoid.

Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?

*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.

Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.

Microsoft word: “I’ll do anything to enhance your writing and editing experience, just ask”

Me: “I’d like to add comments to footnotes”

Microsoft word: “eat shit!”

Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika

My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house

[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”

-Trumpsylvania, how about you?

“North Trumpkota”

I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.

I have three kids: a 14-year-old, an 11-year-old, and an imaginary child who is actually to blame for everything the other two get accused of.

If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.

GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing

*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*

GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!

You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.

I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.

[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.

Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.

Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.

Are you dating a bunch of bees?

My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.

I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill

Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.

*Husband playing computer game*

Me: I’m going to go pee.

Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.

Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.

Husband: OK. Enjoy.

[does his regular grocery shopping]

Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?

Me: ……………….yes.

[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first

Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.