Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Was it good for you?
Her: You’re cleaning up this confetti

Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.

Alex Trebek: In which category?

Me: No question. I just need $1,600.

I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.

I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.

Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?

You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.

– Me, flirting.

*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*

*wakes up and checks bank account*

Me: Well that didn’t work.

The Assassin.

HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!

Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.

Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?

Me: uh no

WCD: how about moomoo?

Me: can I have something in between?

WCD: no can do

Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”

Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it

If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what

My wife is my rock.
Not only is she always there for me, but she looks just like Dwayne Johnson

Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…

My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.

I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.

ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.

The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.

A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.

[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to

I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.

I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.

If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”

I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.

N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms

Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.

<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>

I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.

My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.