Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.

Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?

4-year-old: You!

Me: Who’s your favorite dad?

4: Mom.

So close.

My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta

I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.

interviewer: how did u hear about us

me: *sweating* w-with my ears

Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?

fired

“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”

COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob

wife: did you get the kids from daycare?

me: we don’t have any kids

wife: yeah you were supposed to get some

Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.

Wife: Don’t you mean for?

Me: Sure. That too.

Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”

Me: “I was born three months premature.”

I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.

I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?

Lovingly looking at my dog knowing I’m ab to ruin her day with a bath

I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.

They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.

“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.

“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”

“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.

guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking

chef: updog

guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that

Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄

To be continued…

4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*

Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*

4yo: *Starts telling it again*

Me: *Dies*

People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.

My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are

If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting

Do you like vampires?

🟩 Nosferatu

✅ Yesferatu

Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.

FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?

Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?

“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen

No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.

i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.

Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.