Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao

What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?

i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.

-kids

[getting murdered]

“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”

It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.

Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.

THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]

SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?

DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer

SON: what aisle?

DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?

People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”

I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.

-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.

push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit

Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*

Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.

Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?

“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.

Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny

[Later]

Them: So how did you two meet?

Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay

Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball

Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.

Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.

Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green

Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.

if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest

So, I got banned from the toy store today…

*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin

“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”

They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!

*crowd GASPS*

Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement

Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.

chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing

(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*

I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday

God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?

Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.

God: *Starts giggling*

Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?

God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*

Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..

God: And you cant speak.

[Incoherent bird noise]