Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.

*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so

Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.

literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia

Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.

I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

ah yes….my favourite videogame

Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”

My oldest bra can smoke now.

9: Can I rent an otter?

Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now

If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.

*points to Spanx*

If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.

At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.

Welcome to your 40s, you now don’t understand a single word anyone under 25 is saying

My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.

I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.

Fiction has to make sense.

It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.

Kids… I meant my kids.

I went for a Pap Test today and the nurse said “I like your hair colour, is it natural?” and I replied “well, you’re about to find out.” [Seinfeld slap bass end scene] x

Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.

*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*

Acme online: people who buy this also buy

– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil

Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.

Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”

[grocery store]

Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!

“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”

Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on

it was a valiant fight

There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos

All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.

would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”

Which wines pair best with gloating?