Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.

Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight

Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead

Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack

Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together

I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet

*pulls out 50 inch TV*

What? It’s really a phone.

[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.

[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah

Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.

3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.

HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.

If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.

You can’t get a good night’s sleep anymore because of woke

Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.

– Skywalker family reunion

Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.

The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy

College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.

A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.

Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs

Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis

I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.

huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror

I hired a PR team.

They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.

I executed the PR team.

Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.

“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.

The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.

Her: Can I sit down & join you?

Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.

Her: Oh, no you’re not!

Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…

me: will I go to jail in the future

psychic: no

me: gimme your wallet and empty the register

Her)What that mouth do?

Me)Usually get me in trouble

I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.

Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.

This is now my favourite pie chart ever.

my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect

i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot