@ClichedOut

Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.

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@platinum2000

How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?

@krisv_723

Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?

@UrFavAsianGuy

I ate my dog because it ate my homework. Just kidding, I ate it because I’m Asian.

@IntergalacticQ

My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday

@TheTweetOfGod

With God all things are possible; but with money all things are probable. And with a good accountant, they’re all deductible.

@_Prozach74

Come here and listen close and carefully, I’m going to slowly explain what condescending means? Go ahead and take notes if needed.

@brynnester

[First Date]
Her: My last boyfriend dumped my by text message!
Me: *trying to impress* when I dump you I’ll definitely do it face to face