Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
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Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
I don’t know what to do
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
This kid is going places
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam