Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone cries, “No one gets me”

I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!

Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.

My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.

next level snooze

“what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” oh it’s ok you can just kill me next time

[petting zoo]

ME: *still petting the penguin*

DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.

uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied

Things can feel really overwhelming. Sometimes days or even weeks can get really hectic. Don’t forget that life is all about getting as much phone time as possible. Never lose sight of that.

I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.

Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.

So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.

g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?

me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener

*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell

Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.

I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”

‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’

Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.

Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”

Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?

Me: uh no

WCD: how about moomoo?

Me: can I have something in between?

WCD: no can do

Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.

When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”

A food delivery system that only delivers food containing potatoes.

Tuber Eats.

[Shipwreck Diary]

Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time

Day 4: nope. I’m fine

I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.

Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.

Tell me why I had to find out via HGTV house hunters that my OBGYN is searching for a house in Florida bc SHES MOVING???

“Grapey.”

-me after every wine at the wine-tasting

[texting with new girlfriend]

Her: What are you doing tonight?

Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp

Her: You’re adorable

did it work

Music FACT: For security reasons, Kenny Loggins changes his name every 28 days.

harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard

dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you

harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-

dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows

harry: hell ya

dumbledore: one is your blankey