INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
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*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
I wasn’t feeling well so I googled my symptoms. I either have allergies or I died two days ago.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Did I eat too many donuts today? My stomach says yes, but my heart says no.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
My daughter has been super nice lately and encouraging me to take naps so I can rest and I just discovered that while I’ve been doing that she’s been slowly decimating my secret candy stash
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.