Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese

screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks

I would totally waterboard you.

-me flirting

Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.

‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.

A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.

As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit

Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*

Scientists: we have invented healthy food

Me: are you sure it’s healthy

Scientists: …no

Me: are you sure it’s food

Scientists: …no

Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie

Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.

Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.

My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.

Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow

*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?

“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.

Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.

On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.

Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.

Get Daft Punk to make a comeback for the finale then they fly up the Eiffel Tower and one of them takes their helmet off and it’s Celine Dion and the other one takes their helmet off and it’s also Celine Dion

My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”

This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.

Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.

18 is TOO young to get married!

You can’t even buy booze at 18!

If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?

Nice to have free crisps in the hotel room and these look definitely fit for Consumption.

We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.

how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840

Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.

If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?

“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.

People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.