Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.

OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.

Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.

Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…

So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.

I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.

A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.

And just as delicious.

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.

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Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.

4-year-old: That’s it?

Me: What did you want it to be?

4: A dragon.

product manager: what color should we make the bottle

guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine

My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.

My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids

*meeting a medium for the first time*

Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.

Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?

8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you

My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.

Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”

Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.

Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll

I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.

I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”

Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?

Me: No, I-

Server: Cauliflower soda?

Me: I just wanted to-

Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband

I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what

*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*

Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.

A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you

I never judge a book by its cover.

People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.

[watching Jaws]

Me: Which ones Jaws

Girlfriend: Who do u think?

Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell

Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”