Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
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Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
I didn’t have time to change clothes before a surprise business meeting so I had to meet with them dressed in jeans & a t shirt with a flying saucer on the front with “I want to leave” in big letters under it. (Everyone else wore a suit.) It went fine but I’m still laughing.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
People who play golf don’t concern me nearly as much as the people who watch it
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10