Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.

Goats that intimidate others are bully goats

I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.

person I’ve never interacted with who has no tweets and a pfp that’s not human: follow me back please!

me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me

me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.

wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.

I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are

“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.

I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese

*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”

gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*

i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind

“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.

(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)

Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”

15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.

my dentist & his assistant stare gleefully at me, waiting for me to sign the document that would give them the legal authority to install an extra row of teeth in my mouth just like sharks have

If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.

If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?

Oh, I went there…;)

People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year

Him: i like you

Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea

Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock

Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.

oh. I see you’ve gained some weight.

-my mirror

Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel

Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins

Me: i’m taking a plane Linda

I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.

I block people for being stupid.

…I block a lot of people.

I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.

The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?

Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.

Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*