Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking

Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.

Me:He was much better at fighting than me.

Police:Ok is there anything else?

[PRESS CONFERENCE]

Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby

Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?

Me: sure, whoever

The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.

The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.

ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.

something like this could probably happen to anyone

Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.

6: OK. But who makes the rules?

Me:

6:

Both of us: Mom.

Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”

Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me

Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?

Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.

Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.

My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.

Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.

Me: Oh that will never happen.

Him: Are you breaking up with me?

Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.

Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn

“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”

boss:

me:

boss:

me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]

COP: where were u between 1 and 2

ME: in a diaper

COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night

ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk

My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants

Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for

[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks

All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.

I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.

Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding

You can basically pressure anyone to do something by publicly saying: On the count of three! One, two-

2016: omg, wtf is happening?

2017: is this a bad dream?

2018: no seriously, WTF?!

2019: things couldn’t get worse

2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE

FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok

[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope

There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds

me: I’m nervous about my job interview

friend: just be honest

[later]

interviewer: hi

me: yeah a little

I put my pants on just like everyone else.

When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.

Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!

Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.