Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.

Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single

New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣

I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.

Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?

Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason

I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.

HER: I think we should see other people.

ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.

Things I constantly worry about pressing:

1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spot

Yes, this list is in order.

BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”

*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?

Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.

No, of course I’m not mad.

It’s fine.

*goes home, starts building a Death Star.

I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.

While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.

Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.

If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.

[parking garage]

FBI: got the file?

Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]

FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing

State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.

I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.

Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.

alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?

alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death

alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible

10 signs that he’s just not that into you

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.

Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet

Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that

It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you

Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.

Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?

Her: [Completely ignores me]

Me: Knew it!

Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.

*returns tent to Target*

CASHIER: What was the problem?

ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent

[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.