Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
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Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Ok, but like, how married are you?
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
As a doctor, I can confirm
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Lifeguard:
Me:
Lifeguard:
Me:
Lifeguard: I’ll say it again. We don’t handle people who are drowning financially.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Man wait until y’all realize that I’m the same person who posted this back in the day 😭
My life has BEEN weird. I got stories for days.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.