interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
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Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
This story is comedy gold 😂
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕