Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?

me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage

Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it

[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*

My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.

HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry

Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear

Him: cuts ear off

Her: I just wanted u to listen to me

Him: nah, I’m good

Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.

God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno

[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.

Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”

he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man

When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.

As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”

I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong

A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.

I bought a fridge magnet but it’s yet to attract a single fridge.

The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.

There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.

What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted

Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.

Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.

The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy

What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?

boss: you’re fired

me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?

Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?

I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer

At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”

[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house

What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*

Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”