Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!

So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….

*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*

Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.

Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?

Lemming: Just trust me, ok?

The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.

*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*

[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet

CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?

BATMAN: shit

My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives

According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”

If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”

Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.

[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”

My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire

My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.

There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.

Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.

*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother

holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy

New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.

I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date

Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.

I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.

A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.

My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.

Me: But she’s the right kid?

Wife: Yes. But…

Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.

1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume

2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit

My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.

I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?