interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
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there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Every single bad day happened because I woke up
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.