Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First Date:

Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?

Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)

You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.

it’s finally my moment to shine

Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?

I lost him to addiction.

Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?

Yes please.

your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘arrogance’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course I can, don’t be stupid

Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide

My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.

you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.

I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to watch their kids

checking my bank account to see how ethical i want to be with my egg purchase

I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.

What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?

Are you having a crisis?

Take my own advice? No thanks, that sounds dangerous

Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.

If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.

My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”

How’s your morning?

Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.

The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.

If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.

I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed

8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK

Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.

I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.

When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it

He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos

Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit

Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”

And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”

one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’

I love her