Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.

Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…

with flying colors…

Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one

I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.

Me: *walking in front of husband at store*

Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”

Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*

Who called pee urine when it’s clearly holey water?

Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.

me: I’d wait a lifetime for you

also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there

[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE

Only God can judge me.

*gets hit by lightning*

*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture

Me: Floor Is Lava??

12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it

Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter

Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.

This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.

We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.

Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.

Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.

Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.

Choose your fighter

So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man

I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.

Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel

whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist

There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”

I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.

When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.

I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.

my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards

“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”

Taxidermy is invented.

Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”

In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.

H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?

Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.

Allegiant airlines charges for a glass of water but you know what’s free? Ice. Now we wait.

Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security

Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON