interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
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DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.