Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”

Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.

Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto

[shows up 2 hours late for interview]

Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.

My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”

I think I’m good.

Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy

Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.

I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.

[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy

Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.

[8 hours later]

Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.

Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.

Resteraunts call themselves gastropubs and eateries so they don’t have to spell restarunt.

A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.

“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals

Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.

i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters

Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.

I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.

“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”

“Different fathers?”

“Shark attack.”

i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs

An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.

I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”

People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.

It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.

Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.

(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat

Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.

Then it dawned on me.

I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.

Don’t you hate when you come in from practicing your lightsaber skills in the outhouse and your wife says ‘Oh look, it’s the return of the Shedi’ and then your kids cry laugh for forty minutes.

GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…

A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.

me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks

veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer

*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*

“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”