Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HR: Punching colleagues is wrong

Me: But he drank from my mug

HR: That doesn’t allow you to—

M: I’d just filled it with gin

HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—

M: —ger beer…

HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!

WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.

Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.

A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.

Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht

Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.

The timeline of microwave popcorn:

< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential

[interview to be an undercover agent]

Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant

Janine: yes sir; next!

[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]

Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants

Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.

This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

pizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less

“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.

“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”

Him: Let’s go out tonight.

Me: It’s a work night and very late.

Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.

Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?

Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History

Relationship status:

My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.

What personal space?

My dog

But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?

As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.

ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.

GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.

friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener

me: here, give me your lighter

friend: ok

me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener

Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.

[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??

this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket

After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political

They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.

I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.

ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.

@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?

Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.