INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
You Might Also Like
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir