Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.

Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.

“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB

“Will you stop CHOKING?”

First Aid in my house, apparently.

Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.

Me: I’m braver than any marine.

Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?

Me: Any, uh, marine animal.

Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?

Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore

Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7

Me: same thing

I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).

“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.

“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”

I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.

Tonight I will make history!

Turns off incognito mode

*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY

Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?

to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.

Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here

Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad

Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself

Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.

me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up

god: still me you didn’t click over

Twitter is a great place to befriend people who you’d never let in your house.

me: you’re brothers?

mario: that’s-a right!

me: which explains why you dress the same

luigi: that’s-a right!

me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?

mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is

I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.

I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon

“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill

Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes

My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day

If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?

Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.

me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.

me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH

Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.

Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.

I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.