Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
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Growing up was a huge mistake
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.