Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
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I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
😂🤣😂🤣
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.