Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair

Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?

Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.

*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*

me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?

My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂

I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.

I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.

Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again

Friend: Wanna go out tonight?

Me: You know the rule, man. I need to be notified at least 3 months in advance.

My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.

baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”

this is from a book called the bible

*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*

I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!

Me: it’s better to give than to receive.

Daughter: what about my enemies?

Me: d-do you have any enemies?

Daughter: not anymore.

Me: what does that mean?

Daughter:

Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?

My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night

Gravestone inscription “Hey guys, I’m going to be taking a little break from social media”

Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.

Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.

Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.

I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.

If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted

“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available

road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”

Laying in a hammock is essentially saying, “I hope there are no emergencies.”

to be Frank, i would have to change my name.

In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.

Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.

Me: ok

*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*

Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.

Just read the Ten Commandments for the first time and you can’t do shit with your neighbor

I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.

pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family