Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
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If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
My Sentiments Exactly
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Weird how parrots and I tend to share the same opinions
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Telling everyone I’m an undecided voter bc I need the attention
Kids will really get mad and tell you Mom don’t ever do THAT again, and THAT is just sending fruit in their school lunch
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.