Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs

Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs

if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?

i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task

Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter

An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.

Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.

him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?

her: no thanks

me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho

Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’

*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.

🤬فقط في مصر 🤬

every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy

Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.

Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark

I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.

Three pints is nice. Three pints is when you can talk a little too enthusiastically about Coyote Ugly but there’s no real risk of attempting to do a Coyote Ugly yet.

Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls

ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit

Hub: What’s this?

Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.

Hub: *puts $100 in*

Me:…

I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.

Sorry I made promises on Friday

Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?

“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”

Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?

Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?

I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone

If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them

[my dog poops]

man: pick it up!

[my dog poops faster]

A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.

Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.

I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.

i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds

Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…

Me: I’m proud of you for completing your project and I’m sorry for screaming like a feral raccoon.

10: Don’t worry girlie when I’m a mom I’m gonna do the same thing.