Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent

me: can you tell my boss that

Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!

In the grass..

So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!

[all the children]

Grass??

Yessssss.

prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i

sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail

prisoner: i can see that but where

sheriff: mississippi

prisoner: ok now that is bad news

If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos

My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much

I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.

I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.

(from the bottom of a well) is this the trap

More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america

Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.

Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.

I feel like one of these would kill a European

The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.

Me: who ate all the cookies!?

Toddler: it was the ninja

Me: did you see the ninja?

6yo: well no it’s a ninja

genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you

wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]

But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡

I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?

My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.

almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free

I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.

Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?

I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off

Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?

Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol

[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor

Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.

I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.

Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!

Me: Why?

Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead

Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.