Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.

I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.

*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers

“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“

*interrupting* haha, he said prick

Beware of the dog..

My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them

Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.

A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.

The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.

Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.

If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.

“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”

Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.

I hate when an old man tries to friend me on Facebook and then I realize we went to high school together

In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.

these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro

shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once

JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all

GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this

CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*

My son 🙋🏽‍♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”

I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.

Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”

[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee

BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday

[1 a.m. thursday night]

ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped

The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.

FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?

I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.

I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.

when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.

Me flirting at a party

me: so what’s your major

her: radiology

me: oh cool AM or FM?

Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.

[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?