Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
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Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
can you read it!!??
maan!
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.