Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
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Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Printer ink is expensive
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
starting conversations with short people by saying “back when i was your height…”
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Deciding which personality is going to respond to an email
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.