INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
You Might Also Like
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Dear kids, let me tell you a story about childhood disappointment.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Who knew!
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches