Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE

Video games gave me very unrealistic expectations of the healing properties of rotisserie chicken.

I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.

Me as a therapist: omg same

Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying

Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.

The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.

To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME

INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?

ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?

I: About the job

M: What is the company Wi-fi password?

Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.

Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.

What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray

Him: I like powerful women.

Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*

what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen

what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.

Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.

My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.

I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.

Don’t frighten the programmers!

Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?

Me: …

Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.

– alcohol

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE

DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?

DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar

I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary

I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.

Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.

MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead

ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE

‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’

‘Sure, just hold the butter.’

I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.

I’ve just seen someone in a twitter thread drama respond

‘I’m not reading all that you parcel’

and why are commonplace words used as insults just so fucking funny and so much more devastating than anything else you could spend ten minutes of your life trying to choose

Walked by a coworkers computer and he was just looking at a picture of a hotdog

*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”