Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.

[working late]

ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.

CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.

ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.

Today my 4 year old son said to me ‘Dad, can you put my shoes on?’
I replied, ‘No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.’

A librarian with a sense of humour…

#Oscars

ME: *holding door wide open for her*

HER: Are you saying I’m fat?

Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood

Me: Brad?

*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*

When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.

If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…

…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.

Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.

WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap

son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?

dad: sure, I’ll join you.

son: should we watch them back to back?

dad: no side by side probably works better.

[ first day as a bartender ]

*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*

your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me

God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.

Angel: One step ahead of you!

God: What did you do?!

Elephant: Quack

What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”

I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.

most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them

A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line

I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.

(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang

sometimes I think about my physics professor who proudly brought his twin babies to class & w/tears in his eyes said I’ve been waiting my entire life to demonstrate the inertia twin paradox and started running around the classroom with one baby. I hope he’s having a good day

Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.

[labels account “18+”]

[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]

Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.

3 PLACES I LOVE STAYING:
1. HOME
2. OUTTA PEOPLE BUSINESS
3. IN MY OWN LANE

I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.

Favourite diary entry ever

Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.

Football player: please God, let my team win

God: ok sure, that’s simple enough

Football player on other team: God please let my team win

God: oh no