Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?

This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people

microwave: gonna cook it

me: no please. just defrost the chicken.

microwave: ok i’ll do both

Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.

Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”

I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it

I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”

[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND

I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle

Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?

5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?

Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.

My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.

Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.

Hey big accounts –

What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?

My cat would be dead before I got 50

my favorite maggie smith movie will always be hook, which she played at 56 years old but the makeup was so good it confused an entire generation of people when she just kept looking the same or better for the next 3 decades

Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.

I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.

Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.

Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.

“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”

A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time

“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”

Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”

I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.

Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.

sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers

“Bro I hate my eyebrows”

“You serious bro?”

“I think they’re too big, bro”

“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”

“Bro :’)”

You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet

My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.

what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??

my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.

ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.

HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?

ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*

I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food