Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
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*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.