Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?

“Okay Nancy, try it now.”

I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!

I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!

Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.

I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?

Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!

Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”

this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore

turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁

[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]

him: SLANTY *clink*

me: I think you mean sláinte

him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey

This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.

If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.

ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*

This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*

– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁

She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”

Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.

You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post

“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.

QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:

1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?

wife: he uses food as a crutch

marriage counselor: is this true

me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe

ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.

Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before

as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died

Him: My friend got me a Fitbit

Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though

Him: You can buy them online

Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!

Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage

Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.