Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.

Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?

Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!

Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please

Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.

[etched on my tombstone]

THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW

Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”

[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm

friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM and

me:
I’m already out.

Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.

Them: what charity are you raising money for?

Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?

[first date]

I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.

*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*

-Yeah, totally.

MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*

A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks

A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.

Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!

Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!

Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year

Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.

Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food

Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.

Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones

DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!

Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.

Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.

DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos

why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?

*Sad trombone noise*

Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”

A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”

Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.

We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.

Tried to steal some candy from a baby.

I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me

They lied about how easy that was.

Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?

Imagine having a party on purpose.