interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
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Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together… what could you possibly be plotting… you can’t even get out of the open window
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
I just got an email about a ‘remarkable women contest’ and my head got a little big before the next line hit me with, “Do you know any”
when people give me directions and they’re like “you can’t miss it” i’m like, oh you do not know what i’m capable of
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
The glockness monster
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
I like long walks away from everyone