Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.

Me: I need one washer for the sink

Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces

That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item

cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—

me: lemme stop you right there. yes

I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…

There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?

I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.

But he hesitated.

me choking on my own saliva for no reason.

It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁

all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period

Librarian: can I check you out?

Me: sure [spins around]

Librarian: I meant your book

Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense

I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings

My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.

I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend

Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.

Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.

They will test you…

ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):

ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or

The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.

Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.

Me: I just took my contacts out.

EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented

goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back

Rejected Candy Hearts:

– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free

“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool

Therapist: What brings you here today?

Me: I’m a middle child.

Therapist: I see, classi..

Me: In between two sets of twins.

Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.

I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.

“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”

“What?”

“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”

“What happened to the to?”

“It split.”

Friend: What do your kids like to eat?

Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.

I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.

If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.

nice challenge