Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.

Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”

On the Museum of Science and Industry coal mine tour and the guide asks “how would you improve working conditions in the mine?” This Little One shoots a hand up and cheerfully answers:

“Riot”

[leans into restaurant] hey do you guys serve chicken
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door open for my bird friend] perfect

All. The. Damn. Time.

HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE!

[Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra

Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.

FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school

ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah

*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*

ME: ive never felt better in my life

What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.

Sorry I said you and your husband look related.

How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.

I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.

*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*

I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.

Parents: Your room is a mess.

Me: You really need to see my life.

ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut

If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling

Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.

Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?

Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick

Cop: *on radio* get the feds

*viking dad at a funeral*

I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows

If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.

Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.

If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…

My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.

I secretly judge Kamala Harris for dating Montell Williams in 2001 however in 2001 I was dating Josh who I met in detention and who was going to drop out of high school if he got a skateboarding sponsorship.

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-

ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS

SE: -on your sub?

ME: PUPPERONI

cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.

I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from

The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.

I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”