Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
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Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Start of the article: but what if only three people read it
End of the article: at least only three people will read it
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
A homeless man asked me for money. I had 10 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it wasted on alcohol so I gave it to him.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Friend: any plans for the fall?
Me: do you meant autumn or civilization?