Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”

I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.

I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!

the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me

Someone told me they had beef with me and I got pissed off that it wasn’t a brisket

zone out

If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead

Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?

give it to me straight doc what can i do to be healthier besides changing my entire lifestyle.

Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet

Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?

His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers

I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.

Me: This show sucks
Boss: Again..this is a zoom meeting

A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.

Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.

Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.

Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.

You can get out of a TSA pat-down much faster if you keep whispering the word “slower” in the agent’s ear.

ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty

Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?

Rhino: What’s in it for me?

Bird: I’ll warn you of danger

Rhino: I don’t have predators

Bird:

Rhino:

Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening

there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter

When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment

When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball

Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.

[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]

Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?

Me: yeah

“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines

Psychology says:

People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”

Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre

I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.

Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*

Mom: what was that?!

God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*

My wife asked me, “How do I look?”

I said, “With your eyes.”

I almost lost mine.