Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍

*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*

ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace

all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person

He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.

How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?

With quad-ratic equations.

The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.

Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.

My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.

me: just bear with me

bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in

I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.

Untrue. I’ve already gotten gastro at several Sydney pubs.

it be like that

Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?

Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.

If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.

dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough

Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON

Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…

“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”

I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler

Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk

If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.

I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.

[ Mt. Everest camp ]

First climber: hey where’s your buddy?

Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.

My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂

I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.

– 11, missing the point of Lent

Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:

If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day

Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.

Everyone is critical of British cuisine but if you think that our food is bad you’re going to lose your minds when you see our everything else.

Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone

workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them

Weather app: The dew point is 20.

Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.