Interviewer: So tell me more about yourself.
Me: *can’t remember a single thing I’ve done in my entire life, ever*
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Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems