Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Is white wine all you have?”

No, I can do any

Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!

Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*

*walks outside*

Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.

*looks around*

*lights BBQ*

*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*

– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:

me: my father shall hear of this

them: is he powerful and wealthy?

me: no we’re just close

I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.

Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.

Mechanic: For how long?

Me: Just until I’m done turning.

Mechanic:

The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.

My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win

I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.

Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.

If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?

Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…

My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.

She’s my Japaniece..

Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.

I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch

Me: I should sleep.

Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.

It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.

*takes off sunglasses*

Oh.

Person: Home decor is a niche market.

Me: Baked flan with a savory filling thickened with eggs is a quiche market.

My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street

That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!

Wipe it on Daddy’s

Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free

If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.

Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.

Good Cop: Book ’em.

Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.

Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.

Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.

At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it

I like my women how I like my microwaved food.

Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.

Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison

Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no

Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.