Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
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this isn’t threatening at all
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
“I wouldn’t.”
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
This story is comedy gold 😂
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.